New day, same old crap

Pain Spectrum – yellow-red
BM/RD Index – 40
Fuzz meter – 8

Wow. I’ve averaged two posts since August. Pretty pathetic.

Here's the scoop: I did not want to admit that I still feel awful. Not so much from the pain, which has been relatively steady lately - I only go into red if I try to do too much, which, I guess, is pretty often. I have been exercising and editing. I have even gone for the occasional solo outing or two. I know that this sounds great, and I guess that on some level it is. It is just that everything is still so difficult. None of the work I do to get myself better seems to stick. I just can't seem to get back to where I once was and it is driving me crazy. I used to be able to write or edit for four or five hours a day, but now an hour exhausts me, and sometimes it takes a few days before I can do any concrete work again. Half the time I exercise, I have to take the rest of the day off. A solo outing is almost guaranteed to send me to the couch the next day. I keep pushing and pushing at my limit, and I think maybe it is budging a bit, but it is all so minuscule. The car accident happened in November 2004. Its been two years, and I am nowhere near the level of performance I had before it occurred. For comparision, in 2002, two years after I had had that huge collapse that let to me having to quit the bank, K and I were actually able to go for long day hikes in Wales. Before the car accident, there were days where I could to take my computer and walk down fifteen blocks to a coffee shop where I would sit and work for a few hours. I cannot conceive of doing any of these things now.

I know that it is rather silly for me to feel so down about my capabilities right when I am finally able to do some things again. And I realize that I am lucky to be where I am at, that I need patience, and all the other bullshit that some of you will say to me after reading this. And I’ll appreciate the bull, really I will. But it doesn’t change the fact that I feel pretty frustrated and useless right now.

Well, this devolved into yet another post of me whining and moaning. Now I remember why I stayed away. At least now you all know. I’ll try to think of other things to say that do not include the W&M and get back later.

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Bits

Pain Spectrum – low yellow
BM/RD Index – 16
Fuzz meter – 5


Not much to report just now. The past week was a bit out of sorts: K was home battling a bad cold/flu thing-y while simultaneously handling work, a paper, and a mid-term. As most of you probably know, I actually like spending all of my time with my husband, even if he is a coughing, sniveling mess. But his being home meant that the computer belonged to him 24/7, so there have been no posting opportunities for while. On the other hand, I did get to make some pretty-darn-good chicken noodle soup and biscuits over the long Columbus weekend.

Let’s see, what else is new? Just finished reading a FABULOUS novella, Mr. Palomar, by Italo Calvino. Proof that a work does not have to be long to be memorable. The writing (in translation) has an ethereal vibrancy that is rich in nuance and tone. Made me wish I could read Italian: I bet he sounds wonderful read out loud. The vignettes that comprise the work are nominally nothing more than the recollections and musings of an ordinary man. Yet the book is ultimately profound, and I do mean this literally: Calvino structured the book as a spiritual journey for the soul. It works. The book so inspired me, actually, that I booked K and I a trip to Italy after I read it.

That’s right, folks, we’re going to Europe! The trip is still a half a year away, but boy, am I excited. K and I have always wanted to go to Italy. We will be gone for over two weeks; it will be the first big vacation for us since the car accident. I’m using the trip as a real motivator to get my stamina and mobility back in gear. Well that, and the fact that it looks my Bro B is finally getting HIS act together and marrying his angel E sometime early-ish next year. Cue diets!

I welcome all advice on where to go and what to see. Right now we are planning to stay around the Florence, Tuscany, and Rome nexus. Already found a place that rents vintage convertibles for the touring-the-countryside part (hey, it just isn’t a vacation without a convertible involved). Have no idea where to stay. Key things on our agenda: eating, drinking, seeing tons of art and ruins, eating, drinking. It’s going to be a heck of a trip.

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