Stack o' bills
Pain Spectrum - low red
BM/RD Index - 15
Fuzz meter - 5
I was going to talk a bit about the shakes today, but I've been distracted. Again. Started cleaning the study and happened upon my big old stack o' bills. Chances are you all know what I'm talking about - the never ending stream of bills that cover the costs that you health insurer is NOT picking up. (And yes, thank G-d I am on my husband's insurance. Thank you, thank you, thank you. But still.) They can range anywhere from 20 cents (no shit) to 500 dollars (holy shit) and run the gauntlet in between. And when you're averaging a doctor's visit every third week, with each visit resulting in multiple tests, and prescriptions, and tests for the prescriptions that didn't work - well, you get the picture. It's a lot of freaking bills.
These bills used to freak me out. (And me with my theoretical economics. Theories do not pay the bills, people!) Ok, they still freak me out, but less so. You see, I now have The Method.
First part - only deal with the bills when talking like William Shatner as James Tiberius Kirk. When. Will. These. Bills. End? (Shrugging your shoulders while grasping at the air helps here). A. Woman. Can. Only. Take. So. Much. Or, on days when multiple bills and multiple versions of these bills all arrive at the same time (I swear, they send these suckers out twice a week) a loud KHAN!!!!!!!!!! while raising your fists to the heavens works really really well. Thank you, Mr. Shatner.
Second - bundle bundle bundle. Don't know about you, but I do not have the resources to pay these whenever they come in. When it comes to food or health bills, I choose food. Cake or Death? Cake! (Bonus Eddie joke.) And those multiples get overwhelming real fast. This way they are all together, and serving as a reminder that, like it or not, I am going to have to deal with these big old stack o' bills sometime.
Third - timing. After I have bundled, I get out my handy-dandy calendar application and mark when K's paycheck is coming in vs when the mortgage is due (Cake or Death? um.... mortgage!) and the few other sundries need to be paid on time, like the electrical bill and the cable line. Sometimes, usually once a month or so, things space out in such a way as to give us some real money (not credit - vicious cycle that) in the bank. And that's when I pull out those big stack o bills and try to make a dent in them. I find that the billing agencies, if they see you are at least attempting to bail out the lifeboat, will refrain from placing the big "Do Not Treat" on your folder. At least, that's my dream.
A few more things about The Method. It doesn't end with the payment - oh no! Then you have to file. File for when your insurance tries to "change your benefits". (Why. Do. They. Never. Change. For. The. Better? Why??) File for when your doctor's office is trying to double-bill you (it happens). File for when the government wants to know if you really have spent THAT much money on healthcare. (I am actually waiting for that call. Like I WANT to be spending this much on healthcare.) Finally, when the five years are up and no one is going to call any more, you get to burn your big old stack o' bills. And that's the reward.
BM/RD Index - 15
Fuzz meter - 5
I was going to talk a bit about the shakes today, but I've been distracted. Again. Started cleaning the study and happened upon my big old stack o' bills. Chances are you all know what I'm talking about - the never ending stream of bills that cover the costs that you health insurer is NOT picking up. (And yes, thank G-d I am on my husband's insurance. Thank you, thank you, thank you. But still.) They can range anywhere from 20 cents (no shit) to 500 dollars (holy shit) and run the gauntlet in between. And when you're averaging a doctor's visit every third week, with each visit resulting in multiple tests, and prescriptions, and tests for the prescriptions that didn't work - well, you get the picture. It's a lot of freaking bills.
These bills used to freak me out. (And me with my theoretical economics. Theories do not pay the bills, people!) Ok, they still freak me out, but less so. You see, I now have The Method.
First part - only deal with the bills when talking like William Shatner as James Tiberius Kirk. When. Will. These. Bills. End? (Shrugging your shoulders while grasping at the air helps here). A. Woman. Can. Only. Take. So. Much. Or, on days when multiple bills and multiple versions of these bills all arrive at the same time (I swear, they send these suckers out twice a week) a loud KHAN!!!!!!!!!! while raising your fists to the heavens works really really well. Thank you, Mr. Shatner.
Second - bundle bundle bundle. Don't know about you, but I do not have the resources to pay these whenever they come in. When it comes to food or health bills, I choose food. Cake or Death? Cake! (Bonus Eddie joke.) And those multiples get overwhelming real fast. This way they are all together, and serving as a reminder that, like it or not, I am going to have to deal with these big old stack o' bills sometime.
Third - timing. After I have bundled, I get out my handy-dandy calendar application and mark when K's paycheck is coming in vs when the mortgage is due (Cake or Death? um.... mortgage!) and the few other sundries need to be paid on time, like the electrical bill and the cable line. Sometimes, usually once a month or so, things space out in such a way as to give us some real money (not credit - vicious cycle that) in the bank. And that's when I pull out those big stack o bills and try to make a dent in them. I find that the billing agencies, if they see you are at least attempting to bail out the lifeboat, will refrain from placing the big "Do Not Treat" on your folder. At least, that's my dream.
A few more things about The Method. It doesn't end with the payment - oh no! Then you have to file. File for when your insurance tries to "change your benefits". (Why. Do. They. Never. Change. For. The. Better? Why??) File for when your doctor's office is trying to double-bill you (it happens). File for when the government wants to know if you really have spent THAT much money on healthcare. (I am actually waiting for that call. Like I WANT to be spending this much on healthcare.) Finally, when the five years are up and no one is going to call any more, you get to burn your big old stack o' bills. And that's the reward.
posted by KS at 10:52 AM
3 Comments:
Amazing. All this time, when paying bills, I've been channeling Star Trek characters -- but the wrong ones.
Usually, I channel Dr. McCoy. I look at the stack o' bills and grumble, "I'm a doctor, not an accountant, Jim."
On occasion, I do channel Scotty instead: "It's overloading, and I canna do a thing with 'em!"
Now. I. Know. Better. Thank. You.
In case you missed the cake or death reference: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZVjKlBCvhg.
Watch. It. Now!
Oh, thank you. Thank you. A method is exactly what I need.
Whenever I go to the doctor, I am always surprised, no matter the amount, by how much the visit costs. $500...I'm shocked. $5...I'm equally shocked. You mean I have to pay to get well...wasn't being ill payment enough?
Now, I have your method and will be better able to recover from the shock that healthcare is indeed not free in this land of milk and honey.
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