Issues
Pain Spectrum - yellow red, with strong red spikes in the arm (too much exercise!)
BM/RD Index - 20
Fuzz meter - 8
To the anonymous poster – I have not been hospitalized! I would like to say that I’ve spent the last two months away having a blast, but, unfortunately, that would be a bit of a fib. The New Year has been a rough one so far.
To wit: the trip out west was not good. I had a massive pain surge on the plane over and was never able to get back on my feet (literally). There are times when your worst nightmares pan out and it turns into a positive experience. This was not one of those times. It is actually still difficult for me to think about that time without getting upset, so that is as much as I am going to say about it.
Anyway, we came home and after some weeks, I started finally feeling human again. If the trip had shown me anything it was that I would not be capable of going on long distance journeys (Italy in the spring, for instance) without better medication. In tandem with this, I realized that my current doctors were doing nothing to help me. This is also not a fun topic; getting burnt by people you trust is never nice to face. I do not do well with doctors and trying to find new ones was a daunting proposition. But I told myself that it had to be done, and done properly. No trying to downplay the pain; no accepting whatever I am told at face value; no hiding problems with the medications; no feeling embarrassed about my condition and myself. Fortunately my family and friends have really stepped up to help. I always have someone to go with me to the doctors to make sure that I am honest – a good thing. It is still early stages. With chronic conditions, it is never as simple as a single visit. But I’ve done the tests and tracked down a lot of the old paperwork and will be having my follow-up with the new rheumatologist on Monday. Hopefully, she can then guide me to a pain doctor that I can work with.
The sheer horribleness of the trip has also goaded me on other fronts. I have been working on ideas for submitting my manuscript and have actually even sent out a query letter or two. I have bee pursuing other creative avenues: I doubt that any of them will pan out, but it has caused me to be more productive than I have been for a long time. All this has been nice, but I guess it begs the question – why no postings?
I’m not sure. I think it has something to do with whining and the failure of expectations. I just felt that so much of what I had posted lately was unhappy and shrill. And after the positive trip down to D.C., I didn’t want to admit what a complete failure the Seattle trip had turned out to be. It wasn’t just that I couldn’t think of anything good to say – I couldn’t think of anything balanced to say. Everything just felt hopeless. And I am just not comfortable putting up a posting pointing out how despondent I feel
I can’t promise that I will be better with the posting for the foreseeable future. Physically and emotionally I am still pretty touch-and-go, and I do not feel comfortable in sharing this process right now. But thank you for the shout out.
BM/RD Index - 20
Fuzz meter - 8
To the anonymous poster – I have not been hospitalized! I would like to say that I’ve spent the last two months away having a blast, but, unfortunately, that would be a bit of a fib. The New Year has been a rough one so far.
To wit: the trip out west was not good. I had a massive pain surge on the plane over and was never able to get back on my feet (literally). There are times when your worst nightmares pan out and it turns into a positive experience. This was not one of those times. It is actually still difficult for me to think about that time without getting upset, so that is as much as I am going to say about it.
Anyway, we came home and after some weeks, I started finally feeling human again. If the trip had shown me anything it was that I would not be capable of going on long distance journeys (Italy in the spring, for instance) without better medication. In tandem with this, I realized that my current doctors were doing nothing to help me. This is also not a fun topic; getting burnt by people you trust is never nice to face. I do not do well with doctors and trying to find new ones was a daunting proposition. But I told myself that it had to be done, and done properly. No trying to downplay the pain; no accepting whatever I am told at face value; no hiding problems with the medications; no feeling embarrassed about my condition and myself. Fortunately my family and friends have really stepped up to help. I always have someone to go with me to the doctors to make sure that I am honest – a good thing. It is still early stages. With chronic conditions, it is never as simple as a single visit. But I’ve done the tests and tracked down a lot of the old paperwork and will be having my follow-up with the new rheumatologist on Monday. Hopefully, she can then guide me to a pain doctor that I can work with.
The sheer horribleness of the trip has also goaded me on other fronts. I have been working on ideas for submitting my manuscript and have actually even sent out a query letter or two. I have bee pursuing other creative avenues: I doubt that any of them will pan out, but it has caused me to be more productive than I have been for a long time. All this has been nice, but I guess it begs the question – why no postings?
I’m not sure. I think it has something to do with whining and the failure of expectations. I just felt that so much of what I had posted lately was unhappy and shrill. And after the positive trip down to D.C., I didn’t want to admit what a complete failure the Seattle trip had turned out to be. It wasn’t just that I couldn’t think of anything good to say – I couldn’t think of anything balanced to say. Everything just felt hopeless. And I am just not comfortable putting up a posting pointing out how despondent I feel
I can’t promise that I will be better with the posting for the foreseeable future. Physically and emotionally I am still pretty touch-and-go, and I do not feel comfortable in sharing this process right now. But thank you for the shout out.
posted by KS at 2:55 PM
2 Comments:
there is more than one way to travel.think dickinson.
anyway glad to see you back online. don't stay down too long.
Well, I am particularly proud of you for attempting the trip to Seattle. I too made the excursion out West and had both ups and downs. I had a better time when we drove down to Portland and spent a few days there.
I hear you about not wanting to use this as a forum to whine and moan. I don't think you have been. What I take away from your blog is an impression of you and the challenges that you face day-to-day. We all face those day-to-day challenges that spark us to change ourselves and what we do for the better...sometimes to suit ourselves and sometimes to fulfill our destinies. Nothing wrong with saying that was terrible, and I'm going to do it differently next time.
Still, I like that you let this blog be what you need it to be. Sunny or gloomy. Let it be yours.
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