Red is the new Yellow

Pain Spectrum - red
BM/RD Index - 10
Fuzz meter - 5

These past three days were a bit of a test for me. I think I passed. We had things we needed to do. Fun things but hard nevertheless when I am feeling less than par. But the thing is that, at least for now, less than par is the new par. I have not been below the red scale for months. The epidurals were a horrible mistake, but the pain had been increasing since before then anyway - otherwise I never would have gone for the shots. The meds that they have me on now have and are helping but, as usual, I am severely limited as to how much I can take. This body of mine can't handle them. So I find myself backed into higher pain levels again.

Yet somehow I am adapting better to them. It is not as if I am in more pain but the signals are not getting through. Trust me. I'm feeling it. But I'm getting used to the higher levels in a way I wasn't able to before. Perhaps it is some aspect of my medications. Perhaps it is because the pain levels have been consistently higher. I have good and not so good days, as always, but it has not dipped down below a certain pain level for some time.

There is no doubt that these higher levels are impacting how I do things. The energizer bunny is gone, and she may never come back. The shakes and the overall weakness in my limbs are bothersome, but hopefully they will go as the epidurals continue to wear off. But even though I need to rest more now, I still feel as if I am accomplishing things.

So I'm adapting. I have to. And slowly, I'm forgetting what the old constant was. But not so much yet that I don't notice that my new everyday color is red, not yellow. Not a problem. I'll wear it well until I can bring yellow back in style.

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Not a good day

Pain Spectrum - very high red
BM/RD Index - 35
Fuzz meter - 8

Well yesterday was a good day. But today isn't. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Just wish everything would stop hurting so much. Very frustrating.

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Rest Day

Pain Spectrum - med-high red
BM/RD Index - 18
Fuzz meter - 7

I managed to do so many nice things this weekend. I bought a bunch of paint and supplies for a new project I'm working on. Helped my folks pick out things for their new house. Saw a matinee of "Sunday In The Park With George" - one of my favorite musicals ever. Spent the evening with my brother and my folks and the hubby. Watched an extremely silly movie on the telly. So perhaps today I am in more pain and spasming a bunch. It is a dank, rainy day in NYC; I would be feeling crappy regardless. This - how I feel today - is not about suffering the consequences. That makes all the good things I was able to do this weekend seem somehow negative. There is no price to be paid. This is simply the way my life is. So I will adapt today to fit how I feel as best I can. No galavanting about town today (full disclosure: I more galump than galavant). No cleaning the house. Instead, I will try and get some reading done. If I am really feeling ambitious, I'll start the laundry. And I'll write this little post. It might not be about much, but on a day like today, I'm happy to see that I can get any thought down coherently. An early day accomplishment! Who knows what the rest of the day may bring? I'm going to go tackle that laundry...

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Stack o' bills

Pain Spectrum - low red
BM/RD Index - 15
Fuzz meter - 5


I was going to talk a bit about the shakes today, but I've been distracted. Again. Started cleaning the study and happened upon my big old stack o' bills. Chances are you all know what I'm talking about - the never ending stream of bills that cover the costs that you health insurer is NOT picking up. (And yes, thank G-d I am on my husband's insurance. Thank you, thank you, thank you. But still.) They can range anywhere from 20 cents (no shit) to 500 dollars (holy shit) and run the gauntlet in between. And when you're averaging a doctor's visit every third week, with each visit resulting in multiple tests, and prescriptions, and tests for the prescriptions that didn't work - well, you get the picture. It's a lot of freaking bills.

These bills used to freak me out. (And me with my theoretical economics. Theories do not pay the bills, people!) Ok, they still freak me out, but less so. You see, I now have The Method.

First part - only deal with the bills when talking like William Shatner as James Tiberius Kirk. When. Will. These. Bills. End? (Shrugging your shoulders while grasping at the air helps here). A. Woman. Can. Only. Take. So. Much. Or, on days when multiple bills and multiple versions of these bills all arrive at the same time (I swear, they send these suckers out twice a week) a loud KHAN!!!!!!!!!! while raising your fists to the heavens works really really well. Thank you, Mr. Shatner.

Second - bundle bundle bundle. Don't know about you, but I do not have the resources to pay these whenever they come in. When it comes to food or health bills, I choose food. Cake or Death? Cake! (Bonus Eddie joke.) And those multiples get overwhelming real fast. This way they are all together, and serving as a reminder that, like it or not, I am going to have to deal with these big old stack o' bills sometime.

Third - timing. After I have bundled, I get out my handy-dandy calendar application and mark when K's paycheck is coming in vs when the mortgage is due (Cake or Death? um.... mortgage!) and the few other sundries need to be paid on time, like the electrical bill and the cable line. Sometimes, usually once a month or so, things space out in such a way as to give us some real money (not credit - vicious cycle that) in the bank. And that's when I pull out those big stack o bills and try to make a dent in them. I find that the billing agencies, if they see you are at least attempting to bail out the lifeboat, will refrain from placing the big "Do Not Treat" on your folder. At least, that's my dream.

A few more things about The Method. It doesn't end with the payment - oh no! Then you have to file. File for when your insurance tries to "change your benefits". (Why. Do. They. Never. Change. For. The. Better? Why??) File for when your doctor's office is trying to double-bill you (it happens). File for when the government wants to know if you really have spent THAT much money on healthcare. (I am actually waiting for that call. Like I WANT to be spending this much on healthcare.) Finally, when the five years are up and no one is going to call any more, you get to burn your big old stack o' bills. And that's the reward.

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