Truth and Consequences
Pain Spectrum - mid-red
BM/RD Index - 15
Fuzz meter - 5
It is a bright spring day in NYC. The streets are quiet - I can hear the birds chirping. The cat is lounging happily in the sun.
Last week was good, but rough. I am still having problems in adjusting to the new levels. The big one is stamina. As I mentioned, the energizer bunny has left the building. Twice last week I pushed my limits, and the resulting boomerang of pain and exhaustion sucked. I am still feeling the effects of Saturday. This is not to say that Saturday was a mistake. On the contrary, I was able to help my parents accomplish a bunch of things that needed to get done. I need to be able to push. It is my head that needs the adjusting. Yesterday, I got upset because I the pain was severe enough that I could not write or paint and had to spend the day resting. So I need to work out how I can view the resting as a natural consequence, and not a failure on my part to "suck it up".
The stamina problem is leading to a host of other complications. I am shaking more now than I have in years, a physical side-effect that is one of my "gets" - it bothers me more than is warranted. I can not stand spasming in public. Even when I am on my own, the roiling, shuttering pain of a contraction fills me with disgust. So yeah, I need to work on this.
Adding to the fun is that, sometimes, somehow, I am triggering depression spikes. This is not the same as when I was having difficulty with the medicine-induced manic depression. It is a shorter, less sudden, more of a "I can't get out of bed feeling" that tends to last only for a day, at the most. l know its chemical (could be me-chemical, could be medicine-chemical) because of how unnatural it feels. Its a cockroach masquerading in an Edgar-suit. I used to get these spike much more frequently, but like the shakes, they died down years ago.
Actually, I wonder if the depression works like the shakes: the two are rather eerily conjoined. If so, then like the shakes, the downward spikes occur after I've pushed to much for too long. With the shakes, the biggest problem occurs when you try to force them to stop - the spasms then come all the faster and spread (Head spasms. So not fun. But probably funny in a cruel, "Night at the Roxbury" way). If they are similar, then my best bet it to let the wave take its course and just try and ignore it rather than fight it off. But that is a hard thing to do, and very unnatural to my way of coping. I am hoping that this is still the side effects of the epidurals, but I need to be working on the assumption that they are here to stay.
But so far, today is good day, which already counts for something. I'm going to take it slow and see what I can accomplish.
BM/RD Index - 15
Fuzz meter - 5
It is a bright spring day in NYC. The streets are quiet - I can hear the birds chirping. The cat is lounging happily in the sun.
Last week was good, but rough. I am still having problems in adjusting to the new levels. The big one is stamina. As I mentioned, the energizer bunny has left the building. Twice last week I pushed my limits, and the resulting boomerang of pain and exhaustion sucked. I am still feeling the effects of Saturday. This is not to say that Saturday was a mistake. On the contrary, I was able to help my parents accomplish a bunch of things that needed to get done. I need to be able to push. It is my head that needs the adjusting. Yesterday, I got upset because I the pain was severe enough that I could not write or paint and had to spend the day resting. So I need to work out how I can view the resting as a natural consequence, and not a failure on my part to "suck it up".
The stamina problem is leading to a host of other complications. I am shaking more now than I have in years, a physical side-effect that is one of my "gets" - it bothers me more than is warranted. I can not stand spasming in public. Even when I am on my own, the roiling, shuttering pain of a contraction fills me with disgust. So yeah, I need to work on this.
Adding to the fun is that, sometimes, somehow, I am triggering depression spikes. This is not the same as when I was having difficulty with the medicine-induced manic depression. It is a shorter, less sudden, more of a "I can't get out of bed feeling" that tends to last only for a day, at the most. l know its chemical (could be me-chemical, could be medicine-chemical) because of how unnatural it feels. Its a cockroach masquerading in an Edgar-suit. I used to get these spike much more frequently, but like the shakes, they died down years ago.
Actually, I wonder if the depression works like the shakes: the two are rather eerily conjoined. If so, then like the shakes, the downward spikes occur after I've pushed to much for too long. With the shakes, the biggest problem occurs when you try to force them to stop - the spasms then come all the faster and spread (Head spasms. So not fun. But probably funny in a cruel, "Night at the Roxbury" way). If they are similar, then my best bet it to let the wave take its course and just try and ignore it rather than fight it off. But that is a hard thing to do, and very unnatural to my way of coping. I am hoping that this is still the side effects of the epidurals, but I need to be working on the assumption that they are here to stay.
But so far, today is good day, which already counts for something. I'm going to take it slow and see what I can accomplish.
posted by KS at 9:11 AM
1 Comments:
"Nature, Mr. Allnut, is what we were put on this earth to rise above."
-- Katharine Hepburn, The African Queen
That said, however, it's not a personal failure when your body responds naturally. I'm not thrilled by the reemergence of shakes and depression spikes, but I know they've got nothing to do with your strength of character.
Do you know that?
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