New day, same old crap
Pain Spectrum – yellow-red
BM/RD Index – 40
Fuzz meter – 8
Wow. I’ve averaged two posts since August. Pretty pathetic.
Here's the scoop: I did not want to admit that I still feel awful. Not so much from the pain, which has been relatively steady lately - I only go into red if I try to do too much, which, I guess, is pretty often. I have been exercising and editing. I have even gone for the occasional solo outing or two. I know that this sounds great, and I guess that on some level it is. It is just that everything is still so difficult. None of the work I do to get myself better seems to stick. I just can't seem to get back to where I once was and it is driving me crazy. I used to be able to write or edit for four or five hours a day, but now an hour exhausts me, and sometimes it takes a few days before I can do any concrete work again. Half the time I exercise, I have to take the rest of the day off. A solo outing is almost guaranteed to send me to the couch the next day. I keep pushing and pushing at my limit, and I think maybe it is budging a bit, but it is all so minuscule. The car accident happened in November 2004. Its been two years, and I am nowhere near the level of performance I had before it occurred. For comparision, in 2002, two years after I had had that huge collapse that let to me having to quit the bank, K and I were actually able to go for long day hikes in Wales. Before the car accident, there were days where I could to take my computer and walk down fifteen blocks to a coffee shop where I would sit and work for a few hours. I cannot conceive of doing any of these things now.
I know that it is rather silly for me to feel so down about my capabilities right when I am finally able to do some things again. And I realize that I am lucky to be where I am at, that I need patience, and all the other bullshit that some of you will say to me after reading this. And I’ll appreciate the bull, really I will. But it doesn’t change the fact that I feel pretty frustrated and useless right now.
Well, this devolved into yet another post of me whining and moaning. Now I remember why I stayed away. At least now you all know. I’ll try to think of other things to say that do not include the W&M and get back later.
BM/RD Index – 40
Fuzz meter – 8
Wow. I’ve averaged two posts since August. Pretty pathetic.
Here's the scoop: I did not want to admit that I still feel awful. Not so much from the pain, which has been relatively steady lately - I only go into red if I try to do too much, which, I guess, is pretty often. I have been exercising and editing. I have even gone for the occasional solo outing or two. I know that this sounds great, and I guess that on some level it is. It is just that everything is still so difficult. None of the work I do to get myself better seems to stick. I just can't seem to get back to where I once was and it is driving me crazy. I used to be able to write or edit for four or five hours a day, but now an hour exhausts me, and sometimes it takes a few days before I can do any concrete work again. Half the time I exercise, I have to take the rest of the day off. A solo outing is almost guaranteed to send me to the couch the next day. I keep pushing and pushing at my limit, and I think maybe it is budging a bit, but it is all so minuscule. The car accident happened in November 2004. Its been two years, and I am nowhere near the level of performance I had before it occurred. For comparision, in 2002, two years after I had had that huge collapse that let to me having to quit the bank, K and I were actually able to go for long day hikes in Wales. Before the car accident, there were days where I could to take my computer and walk down fifteen blocks to a coffee shop where I would sit and work for a few hours. I cannot conceive of doing any of these things now.
I know that it is rather silly for me to feel so down about my capabilities right when I am finally able to do some things again. And I realize that I am lucky to be where I am at, that I need patience, and all the other bullshit that some of you will say to me after reading this. And I’ll appreciate the bull, really I will. But it doesn’t change the fact that I feel pretty frustrated and useless right now.
Well, this devolved into yet another post of me whining and moaning. Now I remember why I stayed away. At least now you all know. I’ll try to think of other things to say that do not include the W&M and get back later.
posted by KS at 10:03 AM
3 Comments:
The trouble is that there's so little alternative to saying all the bullshit. What else are we going to say?
But it's GREAT for you to vent from time to time. The fact that you can't move doesn't mean you have to behave like a marble statue. This isn't a test of your ability to keep your upper lip stiff. Since I don't believe in G-d (and who else would grade you?), I don't think it's a test at all, actually, but if it were, you'd be making straight A's. (Difficult though that may be for certain of your college instructors to imagine.)
Your situation requires phenomenal endurance -- which isn't the same thing as patience. You'd be inhuman if you didn't get frustrated and blue sometimes. And your accident would be truly catastrophic - indeed, fatal - if you stopped being human.
Vent more! Vent more!
I don't think sending you positive comments and suport is bullsh*t. There is some medical evidence that positive thinking actually works (ok, it is a bit flimsy, but given a choice between feeling awful and resigning yourself to it forever and giving yourself the hope that one day it will get better, logically it is better to chose the latter even if one's pessimissitc nature does not lend itself to positive thinking). Remember that study where the positive thinking nuns lived longer? and the studies that show more brain activity in the "happy" portion of the brain in buddhist monks, so that the monks were scientifically the happiest people on earth? Maybe you can do have someone come in and help train your mind in meditation: buddhist or not. That is something that can keep your mind active while your body is stilled. If it doesn't work for you atleast it was something new to do.
and for goodness sake lay off the bourbon in the morning!
OHH Yeah, there is the ultimate challenge:train your mind to think positively. Do you think you can do it, chronic? --even if it makes you miserable?
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