Resting (Thank You II)
Pain Spectrum – murky yellow
BM/RD Index – 18
Fuzz meter – 5
Hey all. Once again, the comments elicited from my last post were insightful, helpful, kind and just what the doctor ordered. What would I do without you people?
My aunt is improving; she is going out again and having friends over for visits. Someone now stays nights, although finding the right person took longer than we anticipated. It is only in the last week or so, then, that I have really been trying to rest and recuperate.
I’m bored with it already.
Okay, that is not really fair. It has been good not to do much, to sit and read and try to relax. And not doing much is not the same as doing nothing at all – I’ve still managed to see a play (“Mother Courage and Her Children”) and K took me for a wonderful ride through the Country, as we city-folk are apt to call the wilds of Westchester and Dutchess Counties. But I haven’t been really writing or trying to do anything too strenuous. I have been thinking, though. About what I said, about how I feel, about where to go from here.
I do think that my body has shifted again. The right arm, which was injured in the auto accident, has been holding pretty steady, recovery-wise, for about five months now. It is not a horrible place to be. I can use it pretty well, but it hurts when I use the cane. If this is as good as it gets, well, it could have been a lot worse. And it makes sense that this has negatively impacted my other weak points – my left hip and arm, my back, my knees, my neck. I still think it was good for me to jump off the medication merry-go-round for a while. With all the complications I had experienced, I needed to get my blocking mechanisms back in place. (I actually have a post, never finished, about this. I'll get it done and post it sometime soon.) But I think the time has come to admit that mental acumen is not the be-all and end-all when dealing with pain. So one of my decisions is that I am going back on painkillers again. This time though, there are no pills. I’m going to try pain-patches: you wear them for 12-hour on/off stretches over the areas the hurt the most. With no ingestion of medication, I am hoping that my two big problems with meds, namely my stomach and my head, will become irrelevant.
Another decision concerns my writing. As some out there know, I have never really tried to market that first book of mine. I’ve started working on the second one, a continuation of Book I, but it has been rough going. This, I believe, stems from the fact that I am just not comfortable continuing with the story without at least trying to get the first one published. So I’m going to spend the next few months re-reading Shadows of the Past (it still could use a bit of tightening) and then try a serious send-out to agents and the like. Nothing may come of it. I might end up publishing on my own. But I will have at least owned up to my fear of rejection and will have tried my best. And I think that will make it easier to keep writing and finish my story.
I am always going to be afraid of things; I will never learn to be sanguine in the face of my diminishing capabilities or the rejection of my work. But there is a difference between owning up to my fears and being owned by them. Those that responded to my last post had it right: I did need to calm down and rest. I flipped out a bit this month, and I know that I still haven’t really recovered from it. But it did help me recognize that things need to change. Setting goals that deal with adjustment rather than attainment is a start. Recognizing that my family and friends will still love me even if I can only do half of what I wish I could do is another. (And yes, when I say half, I am still thinking “Seventy-five percent! I can do seventy-five!” It is going to be a long haul, folks.) And I promise, to you all and to myself, that I will remember that rest is as important as action. Even if it is a bore.
So there you have it. This was supposed to be a short post – I guess I had more to say than I realized. Thank you all again for your support. It was much needed.
BM/RD Index – 18
Fuzz meter – 5
Hey all. Once again, the comments elicited from my last post were insightful, helpful, kind and just what the doctor ordered. What would I do without you people?
My aunt is improving; she is going out again and having friends over for visits. Someone now stays nights, although finding the right person took longer than we anticipated. It is only in the last week or so, then, that I have really been trying to rest and recuperate.
I’m bored with it already.
Okay, that is not really fair. It has been good not to do much, to sit and read and try to relax. And not doing much is not the same as doing nothing at all – I’ve still managed to see a play (“Mother Courage and Her Children”) and K took me for a wonderful ride through the Country, as we city-folk are apt to call the wilds of Westchester and Dutchess Counties. But I haven’t been really writing or trying to do anything too strenuous. I have been thinking, though. About what I said, about how I feel, about where to go from here.
I do think that my body has shifted again. The right arm, which was injured in the auto accident, has been holding pretty steady, recovery-wise, for about five months now. It is not a horrible place to be. I can use it pretty well, but it hurts when I use the cane. If this is as good as it gets, well, it could have been a lot worse. And it makes sense that this has negatively impacted my other weak points – my left hip and arm, my back, my knees, my neck. I still think it was good for me to jump off the medication merry-go-round for a while. With all the complications I had experienced, I needed to get my blocking mechanisms back in place. (I actually have a post, never finished, about this. I'll get it done and post it sometime soon.) But I think the time has come to admit that mental acumen is not the be-all and end-all when dealing with pain. So one of my decisions is that I am going back on painkillers again. This time though, there are no pills. I’m going to try pain-patches: you wear them for 12-hour on/off stretches over the areas the hurt the most. With no ingestion of medication, I am hoping that my two big problems with meds, namely my stomach and my head, will become irrelevant.
Another decision concerns my writing. As some out there know, I have never really tried to market that first book of mine. I’ve started working on the second one, a continuation of Book I, but it has been rough going. This, I believe, stems from the fact that I am just not comfortable continuing with the story without at least trying to get the first one published. So I’m going to spend the next few months re-reading Shadows of the Past (it still could use a bit of tightening) and then try a serious send-out to agents and the like. Nothing may come of it. I might end up publishing on my own. But I will have at least owned up to my fear of rejection and will have tried my best. And I think that will make it easier to keep writing and finish my story.
I am always going to be afraid of things; I will never learn to be sanguine in the face of my diminishing capabilities or the rejection of my work. But there is a difference between owning up to my fears and being owned by them. Those that responded to my last post had it right: I did need to calm down and rest. I flipped out a bit this month, and I know that I still haven’t really recovered from it. But it did help me recognize that things need to change. Setting goals that deal with adjustment rather than attainment is a start. Recognizing that my family and friends will still love me even if I can only do half of what I wish I could do is another. (And yes, when I say half, I am still thinking “Seventy-five percent! I can do seventy-five!” It is going to be a long haul, folks.) And I promise, to you all and to myself, that I will remember that rest is as important as action. Even if it is a bore.
So there you have it. This was supposed to be a short post – I guess I had more to say than I realized. Thank you all again for your support. It was much needed.
posted by KS at 11:24 AM
1 Comments:
Oooooh,sister, do I sympathize! Hard to muster much enthusiasm for working on a new book when the previous book hasn't been sold/published/launched in the public imagination. Writing is supposed to be communication, and thus we wonder what purpose our writing serves if nobody's reading.
The easy answer is that if the story is important to us, we'll write it, no matter what.
The reality is more complex than that -- usually.
However, if your present attitude gives you cause to review the first volume, and thereby to find encouragement and inspiration for future volumes (as well it should) -- then I'm not complaining.
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