Side Effects

Pain Spectrum - high-red (with lots of shakes added for a bit of spice!)
BM/RD Index - 20
Fuzz meter - 6

First off, a nice bit of news - the stack o' bills are gone! At least that stimulus package from the U.S. gov't worked for something...

In one of my previous posts I talked about painkillers and their effects. As I mentioned before, I am now working with a pain doctor and am back on medication. The impact has been astronomical. With the help of the medication, I have been able to exercise, which helps me move around more, which gives me more energy, which lets me write - more than I have in years. It is a good cycle. But it has hiccups. Big hiccups. The side effects.

I am on two medications right now that are working in tandem with one another. One helps with the pain levels, while the other counters the side effects of the first. In order to find these medications I have had to experiment with over a half dozen. But even these meds aren't perfect. Besides the side effects that we already knew about (extreme drowsiness and cloudiness) the pain med seems to be impacting my breathing a bit, and the counter med effects my heart rate. So it comes down to, for me, an age-old question: are the benefits still outweighing the costs?

I am VERY fortunate with my latest doctor. I see him every six weeks to discuss how I am reacting to the medicine. But he is only as good as the info I tell him. I admit it. I have known about the breathing issue for a month or two and have not mentioned it. And my doctor is going to ream me for it. But it is frightening to contemplate going of the meds - I know how bad it is without them, and I know how many problems there are with having me respond favorably to medicine, period. So I balked.

Yet I am luckier than most. I have doctors who recognize and respond to not only my pain levels but my difficulty with medications in general. That's two out of two that most people do not get. I know - until the last year I was in the same boat. How many of us struggle to make our doctors understand what the pain levels really feel like? (Smiley faces or unhappy faces? Really? I want to admit that I am about to cry, I am in so much pain? Do I even think that these strangers, these doctors, are going to believe me? Nah.) And then, when you do actually get some medication, what do you do if, all of the sudden. you have problems that were not there before you started taking the medicine? Do you tell the doctors? Will they believe you? What are the alternatives? Do the benefits outweigh the costs?

This question is difficult enough to contemplate when you have a support group of good doctors and the scbf's who love you. But if your doctors appear to be unsympathetic, it becomes an overwhelming question. I wish I had an answer. All I can say is this: TALK. Talk to yourself - keep a journal that maps out the problems that you are feeling. Talk to your family and friends to see if they are noticing the same things you are. And talk to your doctors. Make sure they understand the difficulties you are having. Trust them to understand that you are having serious problems. Ask about alternatives. Treat them as what they are (or should be): professionals who are invested in your long-term health and happiness. And if your doctors do not seem interested in how you really feel, do the hard thing: leave them and find the ones that do.

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I've been tagged

Pain Spectrum -high red
BM/RD Index - 12
Fuzz meter - 6


So, this guy I know just meme'd me. And then teased me for not responding. Piffle that!

Rules:
The rules of the game get posted at the beginning. Each player answers the questions about himself or herself. At the end of the post, the player then tags five people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

This only works if you know fellow bloggers. I do not. Game ends here, folks. (If anyone wants to put their blog site in comments, I'll link up!)

Ten Years Ago:
K and I had moved back from Ukraine and were living in my parents house (no kidding). The Asian economies had collapsed; Russia was about to follow suit. Chances of a newly minted LSE grad specializing in Post-Soviet transitional economics finding a job? Not much. So ten years ago I was making a transition to the banking world. I eventually wound up in in High Yield Research - formerly known as Junk Bonds.

Five Things on Today’s “To Do” List
There is the list I made last night -
1. Housework (gardening, laundry, bills, Dr. appointments - usual stuff);
2. Go buy canvases for a painting project I'm working on;
3. Continue research for landing an agent ;
4. Continue work on my father-in-law's memoirs;
5. Rest.
And the list as of this morning, when I woke up feeling like crap and then saw that it was raining:
1. Read;
2. Rest;
3. Continue work on my father-in-law's memoirs;
4. Rest;
5. Rest.

Things I’d Do If I Were a Billionaire
1. Sink a lot of money into medical research;
2. Publish all the books that my friends write (This is directly stolen from Bill, and why not? It's a fabulous idea!);
3. Set up scholarships for disabled children;
4. Set up a foundation to promote new media outlets for disenfranchised communities;
5. Buy a cottage somewhere near the sea.

Three Bad Habits
I think I'll low-ball this one:
Bite my nails;
Say "sorry" too much;
Lose my temper too much.

Five Places I’ve Lived
Northport, NY (That's on Long Island, people); New York, NY; Kiev, Ukraine, London, UK. So I have only lived in four places, but I think that two of them - NYC and London - should count double. I have lived in both places multiple times and in various states of mind.

Five Jobs I’ve Had
1. Camp counsellor;
2. Beach manager (not nearly as much fun as Baywatch. And I never liked Baywatch.);
3. Business manager for a Ukrainian newspaper;
4. High Yield Research Analyst;
5. Writer (not paid, but its still the thing that gets me up most mornings. Counts for me!).

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Truth and Consequences

Pain Spectrum - mid-red
BM/RD Index - 15
Fuzz meter - 5

It is a bright spring day in NYC. The streets are quiet - I can hear the birds chirping. The cat is lounging happily in the sun.

Last week was good, but rough. I am still having problems in adjusting to the new levels. The big one is stamina. As I mentioned, the energizer bunny has left the building. Twice last week I pushed my limits, and the resulting boomerang of pain and exhaustion sucked. I am still feeling the effects of Saturday. This is not to say that Saturday was a mistake. On the contrary, I was able to help my parents accomplish a bunch of things that needed to get done. I need to be able to push. It is my head that needs the adjusting. Yesterday, I got upset because I the pain was severe enough that I could not write or paint and had to spend the day resting. So I need to work out how I can view the resting as a natural consequence, and not a failure on my part to "suck it up".

The stamina problem is leading to a host of other complications. I am shaking more now than I have in years, a physical side-effect that is one of my "gets" - it bothers me more than is warranted. I can not stand spasming in public. Even when I am on my own, the roiling, shuttering pain of a contraction fills me with disgust. So yeah, I need to work on this.

Adding to the fun is that, sometimes, somehow, I am triggering depression spikes. This is not the same as when I was having difficulty with the medicine-induced manic depression. It is a shorter, less sudden, more of a "I can't get out of bed feeling" that tends to last only for a day, at the most. l know its chemical (could be me-chemical, could be medicine-chemical) because of how unnatural it feels. Its a cockroach masquerading in an Edgar-suit. I used to get these spike much more frequently, but like the shakes, they died down years ago.

Actually, I wonder if the depression works like the shakes: the two are rather eerily conjoined. If so, then like the shakes, the downward spikes occur after I've pushed to much for too long. With the shakes, the biggest problem occurs when you try to force them to stop - the spasms then come all the faster and spread (Head spasms. So not fun. But probably funny in a cruel, "Night at the Roxbury" way). If they are similar, then my best bet it to let the wave take its course and just try and ignore it rather than fight it off. But that is a hard thing to do, and very unnatural to my way of coping. I am hoping that this is still the side effects of the epidurals, but I need to be working on the assumption that they are here to stay.

But so far, today is good day, which already counts for something. I'm going to take it slow and see what I can accomplish.

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Sigh

Pain Spectrum - dark red
BM/RD Index - 25
Fuzz meter - 5

It is depressing when your parents have more stamina than you do.

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Red is the new Yellow

Pain Spectrum - red
BM/RD Index - 10
Fuzz meter - 5

These past three days were a bit of a test for me. I think I passed. We had things we needed to do. Fun things but hard nevertheless when I am feeling less than par. But the thing is that, at least for now, less than par is the new par. I have not been below the red scale for months. The epidurals were a horrible mistake, but the pain had been increasing since before then anyway - otherwise I never would have gone for the shots. The meds that they have me on now have and are helping but, as usual, I am severely limited as to how much I can take. This body of mine can't handle them. So I find myself backed into higher pain levels again.

Yet somehow I am adapting better to them. It is not as if I am in more pain but the signals are not getting through. Trust me. I'm feeling it. But I'm getting used to the higher levels in a way I wasn't able to before. Perhaps it is some aspect of my medications. Perhaps it is because the pain levels have been consistently higher. I have good and not so good days, as always, but it has not dipped down below a certain pain level for some time.

There is no doubt that these higher levels are impacting how I do things. The energizer bunny is gone, and she may never come back. The shakes and the overall weakness in my limbs are bothersome, but hopefully they will go as the epidurals continue to wear off. But even though I need to rest more now, I still feel as if I am accomplishing things.

So I'm adapting. I have to. And slowly, I'm forgetting what the old constant was. But not so much yet that I don't notice that my new everyday color is red, not yellow. Not a problem. I'll wear it well until I can bring yellow back in style.

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Not a good day

Pain Spectrum - very high red
BM/RD Index - 35
Fuzz meter - 8

Well yesterday was a good day. But today isn't. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Just wish everything would stop hurting so much. Very frustrating.

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Rest Day

Pain Spectrum - med-high red
BM/RD Index - 18
Fuzz meter - 7

I managed to do so many nice things this weekend. I bought a bunch of paint and supplies for a new project I'm working on. Helped my folks pick out things for their new house. Saw a matinee of "Sunday In The Park With George" - one of my favorite musicals ever. Spent the evening with my brother and my folks and the hubby. Watched an extremely silly movie on the telly. So perhaps today I am in more pain and spasming a bunch. It is a dank, rainy day in NYC; I would be feeling crappy regardless. This - how I feel today - is not about suffering the consequences. That makes all the good things I was able to do this weekend seem somehow negative. There is no price to be paid. This is simply the way my life is. So I will adapt today to fit how I feel as best I can. No galavanting about town today (full disclosure: I more galump than galavant). No cleaning the house. Instead, I will try and get some reading done. If I am really feeling ambitious, I'll start the laundry. And I'll write this little post. It might not be about much, but on a day like today, I'm happy to see that I can get any thought down coherently. An early day accomplishment! Who knows what the rest of the day may bring? I'm going to go tackle that laundry...

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