You get what you need

Pain Spectrum – high puke green, with some yellow flashes, but we did a lot yesterday, so I am very happy with this level.
BM/RD Index – 8
Fuzz meter – 3 very mild fuzz buzz

In our household, the stereo is always on: news, music, podcasts - you name it, we play it. No surprise then that I have a soundtrack of songs that take me through life. Different moods have different playlists, and my roster of must-hear songs changes all the time. There is one song, however, that stands above the rest in my pantheon of song greats- the Rolling Stones “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.”

This song inspires me, but probably not in the way that Mick Jagger intended: I might be in pain, but I am not worried about getting my next fix. I love the refrain, however.

You can’t always get what you want
You can’t always get what you want
You can’t always get what you want
But if you try sometimes, you just might find
That you get what you need.”

These words are a mantra for me. They remind me, often when I am at my lowest, to rejoice in my life and be thankful for it.

I spend a large part of everyday in front of the computer, and if I am not writing, I am surfing the web. I’d like to say that I spend all that time bettering my mind, but that would be bullshit. I do what most other people do: I poke around places and I plan and I dream. That fabulous looking eco-lodge in Costa Rica? I could do that. A walking tour of Greece? Ditto. Or how about that great new restaurant downtown, or that swanky new bar? That 400-dollar doodad? So want it. Most of the time, K or another one of my SCBFs (hi Bro B!) will drag my head out of the clouds (I bought the doodad while no one was paying attention). For the longest time, this really pissed me off. What right did my guys have in telling me that I can’t do or buy what I want?

I’m sure you see where this is going, but I will spell it out anyway: what I want is oftentimes not what I need. As a matter of fact, what I want would most likely destroy me or leave us destitute (or some combo of both). But while most of my wants are unrealistic, they do serve a purpose if I pay attention to what they are trying to tell me. I just spent three weeks straight staring at far off places - perhaps I’m feeling a bit housebound? The answer isn’t a trip to Greece, however: a great day around NYC will do the job just as nicely. Staring longingly at restaurants and bars, and wishing I was well enough to be fabulous? Time to break out the grill and bring all my fabulous friends to me. There are plenty of ways to make the house feel fresh without blowing our savings; most of the time, my longing for new things is just an attempt to mask that I am feeling trapped at home, and should be recognized as such. (Yeah, I have been definately feeling housebound lately. Thank goodness it is spring!)

This isn’t a perfect system: I still really want to go to Greece, and eat out and, umm… I can’t actually justify the cost of most of the household stuff I covet. But just because I can’t do all the things I want to do (either right now or ever) doesn’t mean that I can’t have a great time doing those things that I can. And I think that is always worth singing about..