The Push-Pull
Pain Spectrum – dull green traveling up to light yellow flare
BM/RD Index – 22 (I have a headache; hence the yellow flare-ups)
Fuzz meter – mildly fuzzy
These right now are mostly for my SCBF (Stupid Crazy Beautiful Freak) K, who has asked me to write (and post!) a bit every day saying how I feel and what I am thinking about. This is my first attempt, which makes today’s topic very, well, topical: the Push-Pull.
The Push-Pull is a balancing act that never stops. I need to push myself to do just about everything, as I think most people do when every action is a painful one. And pushing is good; it gets me to exercise, to go out and enjoy the sunshine, to cook a nice dinner or pursue a challenging project. Push too much, however, and I collapse. I then have to spend a fair amount of time pushing all the more to get back to the same mental/physical point I was before I pushed too far in the first place. As I get older (and yes, the car accident has definitely made things worse) the points back from the collapses keeps on getting harder and harder to reach. This, of course, scares me. A lot.
Fear is not necessarily bad, however, because this is where the Pull comes in – it is the rope that brings me back from the precipice before I go to far. Pulling tells me to take it easy, to let someone else be in charge. Its when I tell myself it is okay to sleep a bit late, to just sort of loaf for a bit to build my strength back up. But pulling too much is as bad as pushing too much. Too much pull and I stagnate. Misjudge the pull, and before I know it, that nice walk in the sunshine is not going to happen unless my K is there pushing me in a chair. So then in comes the fear again. And the Push.
It is a very fine line that I find myself falling off of all the time - in both directions. Two decades into this dance and I still haven’t gotten it nearly right. Which is why my push often looks more like a lurch, and my pulls come off suspiciously like yanks. I realize that the problem of balance in one’s life effects both Chronics and Spors (Spors - Sporadics, i.e., normal people, without pain. But no one is ever really normal, right? Just like everyone has felt pain more than once in his or her life. Therefore - you guys are sporadic. Spors. Please, do have fun with the name association thing). So, then how do you handle your Push-Pull?
PS – why is the Push-Pull so topical? Can’t think of anything more fear-inducing right now that posting my thoughts to a web page. Even if no one is reading it yet. The result called for a rather large push.
BM/RD Index – 22 (I have a headache; hence the yellow flare-ups)
Fuzz meter – mildly fuzzy
These right now are mostly for my SCBF (Stupid Crazy Beautiful Freak) K, who has asked me to write (and post!) a bit every day saying how I feel and what I am thinking about. This is my first attempt, which makes today’s topic very, well, topical: the Push-Pull.
The Push-Pull is a balancing act that never stops. I need to push myself to do just about everything, as I think most people do when every action is a painful one. And pushing is good; it gets me to exercise, to go out and enjoy the sunshine, to cook a nice dinner or pursue a challenging project. Push too much, however, and I collapse. I then have to spend a fair amount of time pushing all the more to get back to the same mental/physical point I was before I pushed too far in the first place. As I get older (and yes, the car accident has definitely made things worse) the points back from the collapses keeps on getting harder and harder to reach. This, of course, scares me. A lot.
Fear is not necessarily bad, however, because this is where the Pull comes in – it is the rope that brings me back from the precipice before I go to far. Pulling tells me to take it easy, to let someone else be in charge. Its when I tell myself it is okay to sleep a bit late, to just sort of loaf for a bit to build my strength back up. But pulling too much is as bad as pushing too much. Too much pull and I stagnate. Misjudge the pull, and before I know it, that nice walk in the sunshine is not going to happen unless my K is there pushing me in a chair. So then in comes the fear again. And the Push.
It is a very fine line that I find myself falling off of all the time - in both directions. Two decades into this dance and I still haven’t gotten it nearly right. Which is why my push often looks more like a lurch, and my pulls come off suspiciously like yanks. I realize that the problem of balance in one’s life effects both Chronics and Spors (Spors - Sporadics, i.e., normal people, without pain. But no one is ever really normal, right? Just like everyone has felt pain more than once in his or her life. Therefore - you guys are sporadic. Spors. Please, do have fun with the name association thing). So, then how do you handle your Push-Pull?
PS – why is the Push-Pull so topical? Can’t think of anything more fear-inducing right now that posting my thoughts to a web page. Even if no one is reading it yet. The result called for a rather large push.
posted by KS at 12:34 PM
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